Monthly Archives: August 2010

How to Achieve Female Ejaculation Using the Lelo Ella

Is it me, or is there something condescending about these sex toys?

The one that looks like an electric turkey carver is particularly disturbing.

Thanks to the medical imaginary, it’s difficult enough trying to navigate my vagina–why does the adult novelty industry have to make it worse? Diagrams of female reproductive and sexual organs already read like stereo instructions. I don’t want to deal with a sex toy that’s manual is equally as complicated.

When you add female ejaculation into the mix, things get even more complex. Besides the fact that some people say female ejaculation may not even be possible in the first place (many of which are also Holocaust deniers), the muscular actions for squirting are totally counter to those for orgasm, and there are at least four words used to refer to the area that needs to be stimulated in order for ejaculation to occur: g-spot (a.k.a. Grafenberg Spot), Skene’s gland, urethral sponge, and female prostate. If you feel overwhelmed, welcome to the club.

Although I myself have not yet acheived female ejaculation, I have been studying it for five years and consider myself to be quite a resource on the subject. Hypocritical but nonetheless true, I am a clear-cut case of the tired old saying, “those who can’t do, teach.” All the same, I’d like to share my knowledge with you, and I hope you find my website to be the kind of space where you would like to share yours as well. Below are some very basic directions that I wrote on how to make yourself ejaculate using the Lelo Ella.

Unlike the ridiculous toys pictured above, the Ella is a sophisticated, minimalist toy that’s design has what I will hesitantly call “anatomical intuition.” The Ella is double-ended, so it can be used either with the rounded tip up, which works best for “more traditional penetrative acts,” or with the other side up, which is a two-inch flat surface. Since your g-spot is also a two-inch flat surface, the Lelo Ella is ideal for g-spot stimulation and female ejaculation. When used “flat end up,” the Ella’s curved body guides itself right to your g-spot, which is “tucked” up and to the front. Made of silicone, the flat head provides the resistance that you will need, and the body is just flexible enough to adjust safely inside of yours.

On with the instructions:

1. Locate your g-spot.

Your g-spot is the muscular, ridged, spongy two-inch area that hides out about two inches inside of your vaginal canal. Conveniently, your pointer-finger is about two inches. Once you have it inside of yourself, bend it (it pains me to repeat this cliché, but make that “come-hither” gesture) and DISCO! That’s your g-spot. If you’d like to look at a map first, 3D Vulva is the most comprehensible I’ve come across to date.

2. Lube up.

Even if you’re already wet, lube up. The g-spot requires a lot of pressure to get to the point of ejaculation, and the lube will protect that poor thing while you’re repeatedly pounding it with a foreign object. Lube yourself, lube your toy. Lube, lube, lube.

3. Fuck yourself.

Make sure that the Ella’s curve is pointing up and out (toward your belly button, not your bum) and that the head of the Ella is face-to-face with your g-spot.

4. Push out.

When you’re ready to squirt, it’s going to feel like you have to pee. That’s because the 31 ducts that surround your bladder and urethra areas have filled up with ejaculatory fluid. When it feels like you have to pee, push out like you have to pee. Your vaginal muscles will push the toy out of your vagina and ejaculatory fluid will be pushed from your urethra. Some chicks can squirt like fountains, some make less of a scene. If you want to be one of the gals that puts on a show, practice.

I hope that this introductory how-to raised more questions than it answered. I’ll be addressing the shortcomings and political follies of this post in upcoming entries, so be sure to stay tuned!

NOTE: My own relationship with the concept female ejaculation is too bound up with the nature of truth to publish this post without a reminding you that I was given incentive to review the Lelo Ella. I will also note that this particular review is critical, not experiential. If you’re interested in knowing more, watch my video.

Darling Imperial's Sarah Sadovsky. Photo by Drew Dawson.

Fucking Awesome Fest (2/2): Trying All Night to Say It

Another something awesome from the Fucking Fest:

Darling Imperial's Sarah Sadovsky. Photo by Drew Dawson.

If you were at the Fucking Awesome Fest on Thursday night, there’s no way you didn’t notice the tall, luscious-haired girl rocking pumps, a black and white striped dress, and a badass leg band (which she totally gave me permission to copy). That, my friends, was Sarah Sandovsky, the lead singer of Darling Imperials, who performed a blues/rock set on Friday night.

Badass fashion. Badass band. Download their free badass single “You Told Me” from their site. Catch them at the badass People’s Art Festival on August 29.

A la Gaga

Fucking Awesome Fest (1/2): Chase You Down Until You Love Me

Last Thursday at the Fucking Fest, I experienced something awesome.

As I walked into the Majestic Café, the Baumer-ist looking man I’ve ever seen tapped me on the shoulder and said, “I love your blog!” He then introduced me to another person who read my online writing, and he introduced me to even more people who knew of my work.

Yes, I felt like a total celebrity. And yes, I am still smiling about it. But the inflation of my ego isn’t the “something awesome” I experienced.

This group of individuals is the community that I have been imagining and for which I have been searching for what feels like my entire life. It feels as if I conjured them up through a series of spells, spoken in secret HTML language and disguised as words and images. Of course to think that I am responsible for their creation is only the residual effects of my now-enlarged head. Women: A Celebration of Art & Culture, an event they organized last February at the Crowfoot, serves as proof that they existed long before my online witchery.

The awesomeness of meeting the community of my dreams continued over the next few days as I discovered the various social connections we shared, the overlap in the venn diagrams, the mere handshakes I have been away from meeting my new friends.

I’d like to think that our meeting was inevitable, but it’s certainly something I’m filing under “I love the internet.”

A la Gaga

Paparazzi (Acoustic Version)

Sim City for SNES Soundtrack

This thing reads like stereo instructions.

The soundtrack to Sim City for SNES overwhelms me with feelings of comfort from my childhood.

I want someone to download it, mix it, and re-release it for me and the rest of the homesick children of my generation. This is a project for sensitive ears and a soul frustrated by the internal pulls of emotional inertia and near-isolating intellect.

Although my knowledge of electronic music is pretty much limited to a few townies and some really nice people that I have met on Twitter and at #tweetea, I feel strongly that this project must be undertaken by a Detroit artist working with synthetic beat machines.

So…Noel Jackson? DJ Meph? Doc Illingsworth? Joshua Adams? Doc Adam? Dylan Lawrence? Whoever did the slow mix of Britney Spears’s “3”? Are any of you talented gentlemen down to take me up on this task? Won’t you please think of the overgrown children?

(By the way, I downloaded the Sim City mp3’s for you one-by-f?cking-one from Galbadia Hotel.)