Tag Archives: oral sex

Eastside Dick


I just became Facebook friends with a guy I telemarketed with when I was 15. We were the only children employed at this location and would sneak away from our desks to make out on the clock–once against the manager’s office door.

The telemarketing place was next to Subway on 11 Mile, and I felt obliged to accompany the guy there on our dinner breaks. He would order a 6-inch meatball sub. I tried to time it so I could smoke 3 cigarettes.

The boy’s preference for Subway’s hot sandwich menu was the only evidence I needed to know that he grew up east of I-75.

We were both too young to drive but somehow I wound up in “his neighborhood” after work, shirt up, in a tree-house, sucking his dick. He pulled it out of his American Eagle boxers–Just more proof of his second-rate, meatball sub, K-Mart Plus, post-war, cul-de-sac eastsiderness.

I noticed a blemish on the skin of the guy’s penis and alerted him to it. He said he didn’t know what it was, but discouraged any concern. I didn’t trust the guy but I trusted my instincts even less, and so with a great deal of anxiety I continued to blow him, though not to completion.

He had a small, clammy eastside dick.

It was the first time I fraternized out of my school district, and the second place I worked as a telemarketer.

I’m Thinking About Sexual Commerce

From Debt: The First 5,000 Years:

Debt…is just an exchange that has not been brought to completion.

It follows that debt is strictly a creature of reciprocity and has little to do with other sorts of morality…But isn”t that just the same old story, starting with the assumption that all human interactions must be, by definitions, forms of exchange, and then performing whatever mental somersaults are required to prove it?

No. All human interactions are not forms of exchange. Only some are. Exchange encourages a particular way of conceiving human relations. This is because exchange implies equality, but it also implies separation.

Sqweel Sex Toy Inspires New Oral Sex Technique

Still a little uncertain about my new assignment to review the Sqweel, I decided to talk it out with my best friend. When I arrived at her house and saw that her and her boyfriend were sitting around a fire pit passing around beers and xanax like peace pipes, I couldn’t help myself from busting out the Sqweel and my camera. While it’s rare that such a situation would yield anything worth recording (let alone sharing), we may very well have come upon the true revolution in orgasms! Check it out:

I asked the fine people at Leftos whether they thought that horizontal licking was new technique or not. One user said that it was a regular course of action and if that made him a freak, so be it. What do you think: Are my friend and I just naive in the variety of cunnilingus out there, or did the Sqweel inspire a whole new situation?

Introducing…THE SQWEEL

When I saw that the new sex toy I had to review was the Sqweel, I thought someone was fucking with me.

The Sqweel is the craziest sex toy I have ever seen. With the cap on, it looks like like a giant case of oral contraceptives. With the cap off and its wheel of pink silicon tongues sticking out, the Sqweel looks like something that one of my notoriously unsatisfactory x-boyfriends may have thought up after trying to give me head. Which it mind as well be.

Back in 2006, the UK’s most beloved online adult shop, LoveHoney, grew to include design and manufacturing as well as distribution. “How,” you ask? They did it the only way anyone could afford to to do it in 2006: by begging consumers to participate. LoveHoney announced a design-your-own-sex-toy contest, offering a whopping 1,000EU to whoever designed the most viable contribution to the wild world of adult novelties. The winning idea was a deca-tongued motor wheel designed by a man named Trevor Murphy.

Here is “Everyday Trevor” at the 2009 Erotica festival, silently assuring himself that it’s not the size of the tongues that matter, it’s how many you can fit on a wheel while staying within the lowest drop ship price bracket.

I stole this picture from lovehoney.co.uk

After three years in the testing rooms, Trevor’s dream became a reality: Crying out that we stood at the dawn of a “revolution in orgasms,” LoveHoney released the Sqweel. Since then it has been touted as one of the industry’s best selling devices, though has received mixed reviews (testimonials range from silent to chainsaw volume, and multiple orgasms to “it takes forever”).

Personally, I believe in the possibility of an orgasmic revolution about as much as I believe that BP is responsible for that oil spill. But every once in a while something surprises me (“Single Ladies” losing Best Video at the 2009 VMA’s, for example), so Sqweel I will. Also, I’d like to wear something new for my big date tomorrow and need the cash.

Now, when I hear the word squeal, I think of three things: the film Deliverance (which I’ve never seen), “Breath From Another” by Esthero (which samples from and introduced me to the film Deliverance), and “the chained unfortunates roaring and shrieking in discord with the squealing pigs beneath” in Michigan’s now-closed Eloise Asylum. While I can usually count on something scary or dangerous to turn me on, the LoveHoney Sqweel draws the line between scary-creepy and creepy-creepy. (Allow me to further differentiate with an improperly balanced metaphor: Vampires are kind of creepy in a sexy way. Tiny rubber kitten tongues en masse are creepy in more of an antique catheter way.)

The fact that you have to use lubrication with the Sqweel is also something I’m not too excited about (someone should ask me about this in a comment…it would be sweet if some GIRL asked me, since I write for GIRLS and with GIRLS in mind but seem to only attract BOYS).

As wacky and weird and completely anti-erotic as the Sqweel may be, I am committed to my job as a reviewer and will suck it up (!). When I work up the nerve to let it touch me, I’ll be sure to post my reaction.

Until then, here’s an overview of the Sqweel, video style: