Image by Jane Fader
It’s probably no big deal, but I don’t feel good about yesterday.
I like you, John. I am attracted to you, I feel drawn to you, I am fascinated each time I learn more about you, I seek your thoughts and opinions. I like your warm fuzzy chest. Your sexual style happens to be exactly what I am set out to experiment with right now. I really like the fact that you have so many great relationships with so many women, and I like your social style in general–the way you interact with other people, the consciousness you put into your interactions. Your friendliness.
Without taking anything away from any of that…
The way we met, the way we hang out, each of our individual essences and interests, and the way we relate to each other is all very gendered and sexualized. This is not a value judgement. I have always thrived in situations with higher levels of sexual energy and I think you do, too. It doesn’t mean sex is going to happen or that it’s even desired. It’s just an energy that we enjoy and that accentuates the parts we like best about ourselves.
To clarify again: I’m not making a value judgement. But that doesn’t mean that values and judgements and emotions don’t exist within these gendered/sexualized situations that we choose to socialize in. They are sticky. That sexual energy that you and I love to be in–it’s sticky, too.
After the argument you told me in private that I was obsessed with sex and gender, and I conceded that my interest in this type of stuff has been heightened in the past few weeks. But it’s also an interest that I’ve had for 10 years–I’ve studied it, spoken on it, wrote about it, researched it, made videos on it, etc. Now, I don’t always see the world through these glasses first (nor are the lenses usually this dark), but it is an enormous part of who I am. I have a critical relationship to pleasure. It’s sticky. But I enjoy sticky. I like working through sticky. My interest in you is sticky, too. If it’s not sticky, it’s not satisfying to me.
Having said all this, I see now that these relaxing summer days are not really the right time for me to be initiating such intense conversations with you and your friends. It’s fun, lighthearted time, and I see where the boundary is now. I think I have trouble socializing without a crutch–a piece of art, an article, a topic, etc.–and historically I have trouble socializing with women, so to be with you and your friends with no books and no boys has been quite a challenge for me. One that has been fucking AWESOME, by the way. And again–sticky. Thank you for always inviting me.
I won’t start critical conversations about gender or sex in these laid-back situations anymore, but I do need to have these conversations. And, John, I can only pursue my interest in you as far as I can engage you on these subjects that are so important, so little talked about, so inherent to our relationship with each other and our personal histories.
I’m interested in being your friend after summer is over. I think that we would be valuable people to each other, mostly because of the very thing yesterday’s friction was about. I want to be a better person, I want to learn, I want to grow, insert-west-coast-comment-here.